How do you use your Friday afternoons?
The Change Question: How do you use your Friday afternoons?
Last week’s pod was a solo episode — me digging in and teaching the Karpman Drama Triangle.
I’ve spent an annoyingly large amount of time in the drama triangle, bouncing around the three roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer. (You have too 🙂 … it’s one of those “I’m human” things.)
The time it was most helpful for me was twenty-four years ago, when I first moved to Canada. I was hired into a deeply dysfunctional role, “Director of Brand Alignment” (I think) … an “all hat, no cattle” role that was meant to drive internal change to reflect and amplify the external rebranding the organization was going through.
Our corporate HQ was in the middle of nowhere, a 90-minute bus ride home. The commute added insult to injury, but it did provide a consistent, predictable opportunity to review the week.
At the time, mostly what I did was notice (and somewhat despair of) the Drama Triangle pattern that kept playing out.
I had a boss who was under pressure for a failing change project (Project: persecutor; Boss: victim). She then came and took it out on her team (Boss: persecutor; Michael: victim then rescuer then victim then rescuer then victim then … you get the idea.).
Nowadays, I’d cast my net a little wider. I might try to answer some of these questions.
What do I notice?
What’s out there? What are the strong and the weak signals? What’s in my head? What’s in my heart?
This is a chance to gather feedback, audit near and far, inside and outside.
I also whisper to myself, as I answer this, “What am I pretending isn’t happening?”
What patterns are you seeing?
This is a “double click” on the first question. You’ve been around a bit. You’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. What are the dynamics that are showing up now?
The Drama Triangle is one lens, but not the only one.
What made this a good week?
It may very well have been a crappy week; but almost certainly it was not 100% pure misery.
Where, in Dan Heath’s words, are the bright spots? Have you been able to point those out to others, as well as yourself?
Who’s having a hard time?
It might be you. It might be someone on your team. It might be a group of people who are going through the change.
Remembering that people are up against it is one of the ways you keep the human in the change. It’s OK to feel compassion.
What might I stop, start and/or continue?
I like the triple-play of this question because it works as an idea-generating process.
You don’t have to act on everything you come up with. But you might ask yourself, which action on the list here might make the most difference?
We are busy busy busy. And we’ll never get “on top of things.” (I saw the delightful Oliver Burkeman speak last night, and if you’re not convinced by that previous sentence, you might read his latest book.)
Creating a regular routine for reflection may well allow you to be kinder to yourself, more strategic in your work, and more compassionate to those around you. A good return on ten minutes or so per week.
Pod Wisdom: Why are they resisting?
Rachel Botsman, from the Change Signal episode "Trust: Your Change Leader Superpower?":
"The low trust group, you have to manage with care. And these aren't always difficult people. These are often employees that are very invested and engaged in the organization, which is why they are asking questions that can feel like resistance. 'I really care about our culture. I really care about our people. I really care about this product or this service,' can feel like friction. Friction is energy. We have to remember that they’re not necessarily defensive or disengaged or disenchanted. That is someone saying, I really care that we do this right.”
Get them on your side
Struggling with difficult personalities? MBS’s book, How to Work with Almost Anyone shows change leaders how to build a Best Possible Relationship with every key player. Transform resistance into connection into collaboration with a framework that will help your change initiative succeed.
“Actionable, practical strategies” ~ Brené Brown
Available online and at bookstores.
The Last Word
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
~ Carl Rogers
