What’s the dysfunction you bring to the party?
The Change Question: What’s the dysfunction you bring to the party? (Choice of 4)
What does it look like when you’re behaving badly?
Obviously, this is an extremely rare event, it’s almost impossible to bring an example to mind, but humour me just for the sake of the conversation …
How do you act when it’s all going pear-shaped?
How do you act to make it all go pear-shaped?
The podcast this week is about the Karpman Drama Triangle, and that’s juicy if you don’t yet know it. There’s more on that below.
But let me offer a different framework in this piece … flicks through the card catalogue of models …
Ah yes, John Gottman. Delightful.
Four horsemen
Do you know The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work? It’s one of my top-shelf books, an absolutely go-to for anything involving interactions between human beings.
It’s based on research from the Gottman “love lab,” which, to be honest, feels like a daunting place to visit. After four decades of gathering data, they claim they can tell within 90 seconds of observing interactions whether a couple will last together or not. 🫣
In the book, Gottman shares the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”: four communication behaviors that are corrosive to any relationship.
As you’re reading, ask yourself which one might be your go-to in difficult times. (Mine’s “stonewalling,” in case you were wondering.)
Criticism: Attacking the other person’s character rather than a specific behaviour or issue (which would be a complaint).
Contempt: Gottman says this is the most destructive pattern — when you treat the other person with disrespect. At its most extreme, it’s things like ridicule, mimicking, or eye-rolling. There are also more subtle ways you can transmit this sense of moral superiority.
Defensiveness: This might be moving into Victim mode, or perhaps you think attack is the best form of defence. Whatever it is, it’s definitely not your fault.
Stonewalling: This is when you back out of the interaction, shutting down, or tuning out. It’s quiet, but it’s quite the power play when the other person can only shout into the void.
It’s easy with all of these to imagine the more obvious and extreme versions of each of these.
I’m more curious about the subtle ways they play out, the sneaky ways we let ourselves down at times.
Working in change is hard, and there are daily reasons to get wound up about what’s going on.
Working on yourself is part of the process.
Pod Wisdom: Drama!
MBS from the Change Signal episode "Are you a Change drama queen?":
"You never leave the drama triangle behind. The goal is to notice more quickly that you're in the drama triangle, get out of it more efficiently, and stay out of it longer.”
How to Work with (Almost) Anyone
The Coaching Habit un-weirded coaching and made it an everyday tool for managers and leaders alike.
Now, How to Work with (Almost) Anyone un-weirds psychological safety.
Our working relationships have a huge impact on our happiness and success. This is the practical book that helps you build the Best Possible Relationship with all the people that matter.
Brené Brown says, “Actionable, tactical strategies. And the wisdom is real — it sticks.”
Available online and at bookstores.
The Last Word
“There are new experiences to be found, when you go past your limits, which aren’t like the old ones scaled up. They’re something distinct. Unanticipated and unanticipatable. I don’t know how to explain it better than that! It seems to me that this is true of so many things. The only way to know what it’s like to run mile 22 is to run 21 miles first, you can’t shortcut your way there.”
~ Matt Webb from “tl;dr I ran a marathon at the weekend and it was hard”
