Are you trusting?
The Change Question: Are you trusting?
I’ve been sitting with Rachel Botsman’s definition of trust:
A confident relationship with the unknown
There’s more to it than might meet the eye.
It’s not just saying, “Yes, things are ambiguous, and I’m pretty good at navigating the unknown.”
It’s actually asking, are you able to NOT navigate the unknown, but to sit with it, even more, to sit IN it.
To not only not know, but also not need to act on the not knowing.
(I think that’s a triple negative in that sentence, so clearly I’m moving towards some form of Zen enlightenment, but stick with me. I’m also still chopping wood and carrying water.)
Here’s another thing she said that made me pause:
If you are in the loop of everything, you're not trusting
“Keep me in the loop” sounds benign enough, but beneath the thin veneer of civil interest lurks … oversight … control … distrust.
Two questions from The Coaching Habit might be helpful here.
“How can I help?”
That’s you asking the other person. It might be someone on your change team, your change sponsor, or someone in that body of people you’re seeking to move through change. It asks you to put aside your presumption that you know what they want and need, and has you stay curious to understand how you might be of service.
Remember, just because they ask for something doesn’t mean you have to deliver. It’s easy to be anxious about this question because it can feel like you’re just adding to your overwhelm. But your range of answers include “no,” “maybe,” “not that, but this,” and of course “sure!
“What do I want?”
If the first question is figuring out what they want, this one is holding the mirror up to yourself to figure out what’s driving you. Honestly, I find this a tricky question to answer (it’s one of my daily journaling questions), but when I keep asking it … “What do I want? And what else do I want? And what else do I want? So what do I really want?” I get closer to understanding what makes me tick, what will make me trust and distrust.
Adult to adult relationships
At the heart of all I do lies this quest to help me and you and others build adult-to-adult relationships.
One way of defining that is asking for what you want, knowing the answer may be no, and being willing to negotiate the difference.
When you’re in the ebb and flow of change, having these types of relationships can make all the difference.
Generous. Boundaried. Trusting.
(If this article resonates, you’ll enjoy Otto’s interview, too.)
Pod Wisdom: Why are they resisting?
Otto Scharmer, from the Change Signal episode "The three voices sabotaging change"
“The success of an intervention depends on the interior condition of the intervener. So what's most important is least visible to the eye. It's the inner place from which we operate. I remember interviewing the late CEO of Hanover Insurance, Bill O'Brien, when he shared all his successes and failures with transformational change. He summed up his experience in the following line: "The success of an intervention depends on the interior condition of the intervener.”
Otto Scharmer is the creator of the U-Theory of change. His latest book is Presencing: 7 Practices for Transforming Self, Society, and Business.
Get them on your side
Struggling with difficult personalities? MBS’s book, How to Work with Almost Anyone shows change leaders how to build a Best Possible Relationship with every key player. Transform resistance into connection into collaboration with a framework that will help your change initiative succeed.
“Actionable, practical strategies” ~ Brené Brown
Available online and at bookstores.
The Last Word
"What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create."
~ Buddha
